I was discharged on Wednesday, September 5, 2007. It was hard to leave Lucas there. Before we left, we made on more trip to the NICU to see how he was doing. He was improving but they could not tell us when he would be going home. The days immediately afterwards were some of my hardest-it seemed like everyone else was going back to their normal routines but I was left with nothing to do. I couldn't drive, I couldn't lift anything more than 10 pounds. Anxiety started to set in-I wasn't sleeping. I couldn't sit still. I was so tired that at one point I started to hallucinate. Marc did what he could to help me but he was just as confused and emotionally spent as I was.
Marc went to the hospital every day to see Lucas. Most days he would come home from work, pick me up and then head back into town to spend the evening with our little guy. The first time I got to hold Lucas I was beside myself with emotions. All I wanted to do was comfort him but it is hard to hold an newborn when he was on all those monitors. I was so unsure of myself. I thought that when I held him that something would click inside of me-like I would suddenly have the great manual to being a mom fill me with all the knowledge and instinct I needed. I started to realize that the NICU nurses were spending more time with my son than I was, that they knew more about what he needed than I did as his mom.
It was a downward spin that first week. But Marc got us through it-I could create a whole blog devoted to Marc. He never lost faith. He assured me that we would get through it, that we were strong enough to handle this. While I was crumbling, he remained my foundation and all I could do was trust him.
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1 comment:
Lynn... I read every entry and am crying now!
Those postpartum hormones don't waste any time kicking in, do they? And I think their main purpose is to bring you as low as possible, because otherwise, the excitement of a new baby would just be too much. What?! Hardly! Let's have some joy already.
I hope you're feeling like a good mom now. I had so many of those same feelings. (Uh, hello, could we get some milk in here? The baby is STARVING!) It gets better all the time though.
Pretty soon Lucas will smile at you. His face will light up from across the room. He'll squeal with delight when you walk in the room. He'll reach out his hands for YOU to hold him. You'll still remember those first days, but with a whole lot more meaning to them.
Congratulations, Mama!
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