My first day as a new mom

We woke the next morning and my parents came to see me before they left again for Buffalo. They went to see their newest grandson in the NICU. We had called them and asked them to bring a few things in, some comfort measures for me. Everyone who saw Lucas said he was looking good. His nurses weren't used to such a big preemie. They needed to use two hands to turn him over. We started to call him the bully of the NICU. I hated having reports of my son come from other people. I just wanted to see him and be with him. Marc had gone down to see Lucas before everyone else. When he came into the room, he was trying to hold back his tears but it was hard. He assured me that he was doing well, that he was fighting but he did have lots of wires and tubes. He warned me that it was going to hard to see him. He didn't think I was emotionally or mentally ready for it.

That morning there was a parade of people in our room-so much for getting any sleep. Some were family, some were friends, most were doctors-they talked about the hematoma on the back of Lucas' head, the fact that he was under Bili lights because he needed to break down some red blood cells and get them out of his body before they became toxic. He had some scans to make sure he didn't have any blood on his brain. This poor little guy had more medical procedures done in his first 16 hours than I had all my life. Finally my main OBGYN came in to check me, in disbelief that I had delivered. She said that the drip could come out then. I think I told Marc to run to the nurses' station to have someone come down and do it. All I wanted to do was take a shower and see Lucas.

When I finally got up and moving around, Marc wheeled me down to the NICU. That was the longest, most anxious filled trip of my life. I had never been in a NICU before-I didn't know what to expect. Lucas was in Pod C-7. Marc told me the routine to wash my hands once we got into his pod. I didn't know what to think. No matter how much someone preps you for the first time you see your child in that environment, it is still shocking. I kept thinking, this can't be my son. This can't be happening to us. The nurse shared with us how he was doing but I have no recollection of what she said. All I could do was watch him and watch the monitors he was hooked up to. The nurses told me that I could touch him but I was so frightened. I think I did. I cried and cried. This was not how is was supposed to happen.