Several people have emailed me and said they have cried after reading my entries to date. My intention with this blog is not to seek pity. I wanted to share my experience with others.
Soon after Lucas was born, people would ask how I was doing. Should I give them the real answer? Should I tell them how I was struggling, that I resented the fact that everyone else got to go on with the lives they knew while I had to figure my new role out on my own? Should I tell them that I was still waiting to feel bonded to my baby? Should I list all the health issues I had developed soon after giving birth and that physical pain was debilitating? Or should I smile, cuddle Lucas and say, "why everything is fine. What else would you expect?"
When I did disclose some of my real feelings to my mom friends, they all told me that they felt, to some degree, the same way after the birth of their babies. But why don't we as women talk about this stuff? This is beyond the postpartum depression feelings. Why don't we talk about how it is OK to grieve for the life you no longer have, that you don't have the autonomy you had been used to. Yes, the joys of being a mom will outweigh these things but it takes a LONG time to be able to see that.
So if you know a new mom, please encourage her to read this blog and hopefully she will know that she isn't the only one who feels so unsure.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Deciding to have kids
Marc recently found a book that chronicled my school days. He laughed because most years I marked that I wanted to be a mom when I grew up. That was not the woman he met back in 2001. At some point in high school I made the decision I didn't want kids. I am not sure if it was because I feel in love with science and wanted to be a professional, not a mom or if it was because I realized how serious being a diabetic was and that becoming pregnant could be very dangerous for me and my child. Plus I didn't think I had the temperament to be a mom-patience is a virtue I know nothing about. I would rather enjoy children from afar. When I was in college, my supervisor in residence life thought I was nuts for not wanting kids. She felt that I was so nurturing, I would be a great mom-who was she kidding?
And then I met Marc. And he wanted kids. We put it off for a while. Finally in January 2006 I caved and told him that if he was willing and he understood all the heightened risks, that we could start to try to have a family. I knew that he would be a great dad-there was no doubt in my mind about that. And then there was me-was I really going to be able to do this? But I developed Carpal Tunnel and decided to have surgery-so that meant putting getting pregnant on hold for a few months. I had surgery in April 2006. Finally, in August 2006, we found out we were pregnant. My parents were here for the weekend and as soon as they left, I took a pregnancy test. I was so nervous. Marc was so excited. We hated keeping the secret but we wanted to get through the first round of doctor's appointments before we let people know.
And then October 10, 2006 came. At 9 weeks, we lost the baby. It was discovered that I had a blighted ovum. The egg hadn't developed past the 6 week mark. We were devastated. We grieved and moved on. My doctor assured me that it was nothing I did wrong, the egg was faulted in some way and it was my body's way of protecting me. She said that we could try again in three months.
February 2007-we found out we were pregnant again. We walked as if on egg shells-I felt that things would not be certain until I delivered and held our baby. The projected due date? October 11, 2007-the day I had the D&C a year before. We were stunned by the coincidence.
And then I met Marc. And he wanted kids. We put it off for a while. Finally in January 2006 I caved and told him that if he was willing and he understood all the heightened risks, that we could start to try to have a family. I knew that he would be a great dad-there was no doubt in my mind about that. And then there was me-was I really going to be able to do this? But I developed Carpal Tunnel and decided to have surgery-so that meant putting getting pregnant on hold for a few months. I had surgery in April 2006. Finally, in August 2006, we found out we were pregnant. My parents were here for the weekend and as soon as they left, I took a pregnancy test. I was so nervous. Marc was so excited. We hated keeping the secret but we wanted to get through the first round of doctor's appointments before we let people know.
And then October 10, 2006 came. At 9 weeks, we lost the baby. It was discovered that I had a blighted ovum. The egg hadn't developed past the 6 week mark. We were devastated. We grieved and moved on. My doctor assured me that it was nothing I did wrong, the egg was faulted in some way and it was my body's way of protecting me. She said that we could try again in three months.
February 2007-we found out we were pregnant again. We walked as if on egg shells-I felt that things would not be certain until I delivered and held our baby. The projected due date? October 11, 2007-the day I had the D&C a year before. We were stunned by the coincidence.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Things to be Thankful for
First, my husband Marc is amazing. There is no way for me to express how grateful I am to have him as my partner. I don't think he got any sleep the night my labor started. He would jump up every time he heard one of the monitors go off. He tried to keep me comfortable, he tried to make me laugh. His voice was the only one I heard while I pushed. I don't think I ever heard the doctor's-it was only Marc's. I would not have gotten through this without him.
Second, I know that Lucas' situation could have been much worse. We saw babies in the NICU that were in much graver situations than him. I am thankful everyday for how healthy Lucas is and there doesn't seem to be any linger health effects. Every time I look into his eyes and know that he recognizes me, or when he looks at me and smiles, I don't take that time for granted. Lucas could have come home a few days earlier but he was too lazy to eat on his own! They took it as a sign he was ready when he decided to pull out his feeding tube. One of my favorite pictures of Lucas is from the NICU-he is in his isolette and he is not happy. You can see some of the wires that connected him to the monitors. I look at that picture every time I open the frige and thank God for giving us our son.
Second, I know that Lucas' situation could have been much worse. We saw babies in the NICU that were in much graver situations than him. I am thankful everyday for how healthy Lucas is and there doesn't seem to be any linger health effects. Every time I look into his eyes and know that he recognizes me, or when he looks at me and smiles, I don't take that time for granted. Lucas could have come home a few days earlier but he was too lazy to eat on his own! They took it as a sign he was ready when he decided to pull out his feeding tube. One of my favorite pictures of Lucas is from the NICU-he is in his isolette and he is not happy. You can see some of the wires that connected him to the monitors. I look at that picture every time I open the frige and thank God for giving us our son.
Lucas' Homecoming-Rosh Hashanan
Thursday we left bright and early to pick up Lucas. We were going to see him get a bath, feed him, have his picture taken and a million other things. Marc struggled to install the car seat in his car-we had planned to do this in a couple weeks, thinking I was going to deliver the first week of October. Oh well. I remember thinking as we drove to the hospital that I can't believe we are the type of people (meaning parents) that needed to have a car seat in our car now.
The day could not have been more perfect-it was sunny and expected to be a nice warm fall day. It was also Rosh Hashanan, the Jewish New Year. I can't think of a better day to start our new life with Lucas. Of course I joked with Marc that he would do anything to get out of going to Temple:)
We got home-Lucas did so well on his first car ride. He was looking around and eventually fell asleep. When we got him into the house, we put the car seat on the floor and the cats came over to investigate. Jeff was the brave one-Mutt didn't seem to interested. We were all exhausted. That day Marc's parents came over as well as his sister Wendy. I called my mom to tell her we were home and I said that Lucas was asleep in my arms. She told me not to get into that habit. I told her that I hadn't had this opportunity to hold him in the hospital and I needed to feel like I was starting to bond with him. For 10 days he had been cared for by other people, I needed to do this. I was really hurt.
Lucas was so small-and it took forever for him to eat. He would fall asleep and we would have to undress him to make him feel not so cozy. And he was only taking 2 ounces!
But we got through it and we all started on this uncertain path to becoming a family.
The day could not have been more perfect-it was sunny and expected to be a nice warm fall day. It was also Rosh Hashanan, the Jewish New Year. I can't think of a better day to start our new life with Lucas. Of course I joked with Marc that he would do anything to get out of going to Temple:)
We got home-Lucas did so well on his first car ride. He was looking around and eventually fell asleep. When we got him into the house, we put the car seat on the floor and the cats came over to investigate. Jeff was the brave one-Mutt didn't seem to interested. We were all exhausted. That day Marc's parents came over as well as his sister Wendy. I called my mom to tell her we were home and I said that Lucas was asleep in my arms. She told me not to get into that habit. I told her that I hadn't had this opportunity to hold him in the hospital and I needed to feel like I was starting to bond with him. For 10 days he had been cared for by other people, I needed to do this. I was really hurt.
Lucas was so small-and it took forever for him to eat. He would fall asleep and we would have to undress him to make him feel not so cozy. And he was only taking 2 ounces!
But we got through it and we all started on this uncertain path to becoming a family.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
The call
On Wednesday, September 12th we got the call-Lucas was coming home. He was scheduled to be discharged the next day. I didn't know what to do first. I was so overwhelmed with joy, nerves. My mother in law was going to take me into the hospital so we could spend some time with Lucas that afternoon but I called her to ask if we could stop at Babies R Us first-there were a few things I needed. I remember her coming into the house and I just falling to pieces. She was wonderful and told me it would be OK. This would be scarey but we would make it-Lucas was coming home, something we had all been waiting for.
We found out that day that he had a hernia so that meant surgery. This was news to us. Just when we were trying to live a more normal life with our new son, we learned there was yet again another hurdle. They said that hernias are normal in preemie boys and the surgeon we were referred to was wonderful-more on that later.
We had dinner with Marc's parents and his grandmother. At one point someone said, this will be the last time you have dinner alone! We all went up to the hospital to get the final instructions on when to be back in the morning and to bring in his car seat. Lucas needed to pass an oxygenation test before he could be released. That meant sitting him the car seat for 90 minutes.
Driving home that night was surreal-he was really coming home. We had been praying for this but now that it was happening I was filled with such doubt. Were we ready? I don't think either of us slept that night. We told that cats that their world was about to change in ways they didn't even know.
We found out that day that he had a hernia so that meant surgery. This was news to us. Just when we were trying to live a more normal life with our new son, we learned there was yet again another hurdle. They said that hernias are normal in preemie boys and the surgeon we were referred to was wonderful-more on that later.
We had dinner with Marc's parents and his grandmother. At one point someone said, this will be the last time you have dinner alone! We all went up to the hospital to get the final instructions on when to be back in the morning and to bring in his car seat. Lucas needed to pass an oxygenation test before he could be released. That meant sitting him the car seat for 90 minutes.
Driving home that night was surreal-he was really coming home. We had been praying for this but now that it was happening I was filled with such doubt. Were we ready? I don't think either of us slept that night. We told that cats that their world was about to change in ways they didn't even know.
Leaving the hospital empty handed
I was discharged on Wednesday, September 5, 2007. It was hard to leave Lucas there. Before we left, we made on more trip to the NICU to see how he was doing. He was improving but they could not tell us when he would be going home. The days immediately afterwards were some of my hardest-it seemed like everyone else was going back to their normal routines but I was left with nothing to do. I couldn't drive, I couldn't lift anything more than 10 pounds. Anxiety started to set in-I wasn't sleeping. I couldn't sit still. I was so tired that at one point I started to hallucinate. Marc did what he could to help me but he was just as confused and emotionally spent as I was.
Marc went to the hospital every day to see Lucas. Most days he would come home from work, pick me up and then head back into town to spend the evening with our little guy. The first time I got to hold Lucas I was beside myself with emotions. All I wanted to do was comfort him but it is hard to hold an newborn when he was on all those monitors. I was so unsure of myself. I thought that when I held him that something would click inside of me-like I would suddenly have the great manual to being a mom fill me with all the knowledge and instinct I needed. I started to realize that the NICU nurses were spending more time with my son than I was, that they knew more about what he needed than I did as his mom.
It was a downward spin that first week. But Marc got us through it-I could create a whole blog devoted to Marc. He never lost faith. He assured me that we would get through it, that we were strong enough to handle this. While I was crumbling, he remained my foundation and all I could do was trust him.
Marc went to the hospital every day to see Lucas. Most days he would come home from work, pick me up and then head back into town to spend the evening with our little guy. The first time I got to hold Lucas I was beside myself with emotions. All I wanted to do was comfort him but it is hard to hold an newborn when he was on all those monitors. I was so unsure of myself. I thought that when I held him that something would click inside of me-like I would suddenly have the great manual to being a mom fill me with all the knowledge and instinct I needed. I started to realize that the NICU nurses were spending more time with my son than I was, that they knew more about what he needed than I did as his mom.
It was a downward spin that first week. But Marc got us through it-I could create a whole blog devoted to Marc. He never lost faith. He assured me that we would get through it, that we were strong enough to handle this. While I was crumbling, he remained my foundation and all I could do was trust him.
My first day as a new mom
We woke the next morning and my parents came to see me before they left again for Buffalo. They went to see their newest grandson in the NICU. We had called them and asked them to bring a few things in, some comfort measures for me. Everyone who saw Lucas said he was looking good. His nurses weren't used to such a big preemie. They needed to use two hands to turn him over. We started to call him the bully of the NICU. I hated having reports of my son come from other people. I just wanted to see him and be with him. Marc had gone down to see Lucas before everyone else. When he came into the room, he was trying to hold back his tears but it was hard. He assured me that he was doing well, that he was fighting but he did have lots of wires and tubes. He warned me that it was going to hard to see him. He didn't think I was emotionally or mentally ready for it.
That morning there was a parade of people in our room-so much for getting any sleep. Some were family, some were friends, most were doctors-they talked about the hematoma on the back of Lucas' head, the fact that he was under Bili lights because he needed to break down some red blood cells and get them out of his body before they became toxic. He had some scans to make sure he didn't have any blood on his brain. This poor little guy had more medical procedures done in his first 16 hours than I had all my life. Finally my main OBGYN came in to check me, in disbelief that I had delivered. She said that the drip could come out then. I think I told Marc to run to the nurses' station to have someone come down and do it. All I wanted to do was take a shower and see Lucas.
When I finally got up and moving around, Marc wheeled me down to the NICU. That was the longest, most anxious filled trip of my life. I had never been in a NICU before-I didn't know what to expect. Lucas was in Pod C-7. Marc told me the routine to wash my hands once we got into his pod. I didn't know what to think. No matter how much someone preps you for the first time you see your child in that environment, it is still shocking. I kept thinking, this can't be my son. This can't be happening to us. The nurse shared with us how he was doing but I have no recollection of what she said. All I could do was watch him and watch the monitors he was hooked up to. The nurses told me that I could touch him but I was so frightened. I think I did. I cried and cried. This was not how is was supposed to happen.
That morning there was a parade of people in our room-so much for getting any sleep. Some were family, some were friends, most were doctors-they talked about the hematoma on the back of Lucas' head, the fact that he was under Bili lights because he needed to break down some red blood cells and get them out of his body before they became toxic. He had some scans to make sure he didn't have any blood on his brain. This poor little guy had more medical procedures done in his first 16 hours than I had all my life. Finally my main OBGYN came in to check me, in disbelief that I had delivered. She said that the drip could come out then. I think I told Marc to run to the nurses' station to have someone come down and do it. All I wanted to do was take a shower and see Lucas.
When I finally got up and moving around, Marc wheeled me down to the NICU. That was the longest, most anxious filled trip of my life. I had never been in a NICU before-I didn't know what to expect. Lucas was in Pod C-7. Marc told me the routine to wash my hands once we got into his pod. I didn't know what to think. No matter how much someone preps you for the first time you see your child in that environment, it is still shocking. I kept thinking, this can't be my son. This can't be happening to us. The nurse shared with us how he was doing but I have no recollection of what she said. All I could do was watch him and watch the monitors he was hooked up to. The nurses told me that I could touch him but I was so frightened. I think I did. I cried and cried. This was not how is was supposed to happen.
The first night
We finally got settled into our room close to midnight. Marc collapsed on the couch/bed and I tried to get comfortable. Since I had preeclampsia, I needed to be on a magnesium drip for 24 hours after the delivery. It wasn't too bad but it meant I was stuck in bed. The nursing staff came in every two hours to check my vitals. All I could think of was Lucas. At one point the baby in the room next to me started to cry-it broke my heart to know that mom was in a position to comfort her child and I wasn't. I finally asked the nurses for some meds to help me sleep.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Leaving L&D
It seemed like it took forever for them to finish with me and get me to my room. It had been nearly 24 hours since I had anything to drink or eat. Before we left Labor and Delivery, we got a call from one of the NICU doctors-Lucas started to have difficulty breathing, which they anticipated would happen. Because this was an emergency delivery, they didn't have time to give him steriods to advance his lung development. They had started to give him a breathing treatment and they thought he would have to have at least one more, if not two. He was tolerating the medicine well. But he would have to be on a ventilator for a while.
Before they moved me to my room, the nurses took us to the NICU. When we got there two respiratory therapists working on Lucas. They explained he was doing well and that this was going to make him stronger. As I reached out to touch him for the very first time, I broke down in tears. I was responsible for this, I was responsible for his pain. He didn't deserve to have this happen to him. They all assured me that was not the case. It didn't matter-nothing they said or did could have changed how I felt. I had failed him as his mother.
Before they moved me to my room, the nurses took us to the NICU. When we got there two respiratory therapists working on Lucas. They explained he was doing well and that this was going to make him stronger. As I reached out to touch him for the very first time, I broke down in tears. I was responsible for this, I was responsible for his pain. He didn't deserve to have this happen to him. They all assured me that was not the case. It didn't matter-nothing they said or did could have changed how I felt. I had failed him as his mother.
Lucas' birth story
Some background info: I am an Insulin Dependent Diabetic or a Type I Diabetic. I was diagnosed in November of 1975 and have been on insulin ever since. My condition has been pretty much kept in check but there are always risks when someone who has been a diabetic as long as I have becomes pregnant. My OB/GYN was great about treating me and dealing with the diabetes. She took some extra precautions with me but she was very supportive and felt that the pregnancy would be fine. Everything was great until August 31, 2007. I had been going in for twice a week stress tests for almost a month and at this appointment, they noticed my blood pressure was a bit up and my swelling had increased a bit. They wanted me to keep an eye on the pressure at home and if it continued to be high, I needed to call into the service.
Sunday we took my bp several times and it was still a bit high. We called the service and the doctor wanted to me come into the hospital just to be safe. I had just started to pack our hospital bag and we had finished putting together some last minute items in the nursery. Marc wanted to bring the bag with us and I thought he was crazy-they were just going to check me and send us home. When I got to the hospital they took me to triage and discovered that I had severe pre eclampsia. Things were a blur from that moment on. The nurses started to gather up my things and they said they were taking me to my room. I asked what room and they said to my labor and delivery room-I needed to have the baby now. I looked at them sobbing and said that I wasn't ready to have the baby, that the baby wasn't ready to be born yet. I was never so terrified in all of my life. I was desperate to control some aspect of what was happening but couldn't. We got to our room about 10:30pm.
They started me on Pitocin since I wasn't dialated but I was having pretty consistent contractions. It was a long night. They set me up for the epidural sometime after midnight but I didn't want them to start the drip yet-I was managing and wanted to only have to use the meds when things became unbearable. The doctor who set up the epi didn't realize this so he started the meds-this caused mine and the baby's bp to crash. I was in and out of consciousness for several minutes. Everytime I woke up, I saw Marc, my doctor and the nurses staring at the monitors, watching our stats.
About 12pm on Monday, September 3, 2007, my parents arrived from Buffalo. They spent the better part of the day outside my room with Marc's parents, sister and grandmother-so much for my wish to have no other family there for the delivery. A few times over the course of the day they came in to see me but we spent much of the time alone with all my medical staff. You know you have been in labor a long time when you see three different shifts of nurses come and go.
Finally at 5:30pm they said I could start to push. I pushed for over 2 and a half hours without the epi. I asked them to turn it off after I got to about 8.5 centimeters because I wanted to use the pain to push. I don't recall much of the details. I think a lot of it is because it was so intense, it is my brain's way of protecting me from the trauma. After a lot of work, they finally had to use forceps. Lucas Aidan was born at 8:06pm on September 3, 2007. We hadn't found out the sex but we both thought for sure I was going to have a girl. We were wrong. I remember the doctor telling Marc where to cut the cord, her saying it was a boy and Marc telling me he was breathing on his own and that he had a full head of hair. Lucas was 6 lbs, 5 ounces and 20 inches long. Not the typical preemie size.
I don't remember him crying for the first time, he was not placed on my chest to hold for the first time. We didn't take any pictures-all those firsts weren't for us. As an afterthought one of the NICU nurses brought him over for me to see before they took him to the NICU. I didn't even have the strength to touch his cheek. I felt that I had failed as a mother.
Sunday we took my bp several times and it was still a bit high. We called the service and the doctor wanted to me come into the hospital just to be safe. I had just started to pack our hospital bag and we had finished putting together some last minute items in the nursery. Marc wanted to bring the bag with us and I thought he was crazy-they were just going to check me and send us home. When I got to the hospital they took me to triage and discovered that I had severe pre eclampsia. Things were a blur from that moment on. The nurses started to gather up my things and they said they were taking me to my room. I asked what room and they said to my labor and delivery room-I needed to have the baby now. I looked at them sobbing and said that I wasn't ready to have the baby, that the baby wasn't ready to be born yet. I was never so terrified in all of my life. I was desperate to control some aspect of what was happening but couldn't. We got to our room about 10:30pm.
They started me on Pitocin since I wasn't dialated but I was having pretty consistent contractions. It was a long night. They set me up for the epidural sometime after midnight but I didn't want them to start the drip yet-I was managing and wanted to only have to use the meds when things became unbearable. The doctor who set up the epi didn't realize this so he started the meds-this caused mine and the baby's bp to crash. I was in and out of consciousness for several minutes. Everytime I woke up, I saw Marc, my doctor and the nurses staring at the monitors, watching our stats.
About 12pm on Monday, September 3, 2007, my parents arrived from Buffalo. They spent the better part of the day outside my room with Marc's parents, sister and grandmother-so much for my wish to have no other family there for the delivery. A few times over the course of the day they came in to see me but we spent much of the time alone with all my medical staff. You know you have been in labor a long time when you see three different shifts of nurses come and go.
Finally at 5:30pm they said I could start to push. I pushed for over 2 and a half hours without the epi. I asked them to turn it off after I got to about 8.5 centimeters because I wanted to use the pain to push. I don't recall much of the details. I think a lot of it is because it was so intense, it is my brain's way of protecting me from the trauma. After a lot of work, they finally had to use forceps. Lucas Aidan was born at 8:06pm on September 3, 2007. We hadn't found out the sex but we both thought for sure I was going to have a girl. We were wrong. I remember the doctor telling Marc where to cut the cord, her saying it was a boy and Marc telling me he was breathing on his own and that he had a full head of hair. Lucas was 6 lbs, 5 ounces and 20 inches long. Not the typical preemie size.
I don't remember him crying for the first time, he was not placed on my chest to hold for the first time. We didn't take any pictures-all those firsts weren't for us. As an afterthought one of the NICU nurses brought him over for me to see before they took him to the NICU. I didn't even have the strength to touch his cheek. I felt that I had failed as a mother.
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