Parenting Fail #1093-Church

I am not really keeping count of all my parenting fails but I am sure it is up there.

Lucas goes to a daycare that is tied to a church. This time of year that means they have holiday services in the church. Lucas was not very cooperative when they had their Thanksgiving service. His teacher told me that he got upset while they were at the service.

I admit-I don't take him to church like I should. I could give you lots of excuses but what is the point. I belong to a great parish and we have taken Lucas a few times to Mass but clearly it isn't enough. The last time I was there, I was watching all the families who where there with little ones. I admired their ability to be there with their kids. I hope I can be one of them.

I have been looking for ways to take Lucas to church without it needing to be a Mass. The church at his daycare was having a Holiday Lessons and Carols event on Sunday night. I thought it would be a great opportunity for him to go see how pretty the church was and be able to hear some beautiful music. But then I looked at the fine print on the flyer and it said child care would be provided. So did that mean children weren't encouraged to come? In the end, his nap ran late on Sunday so we never made it.

It is one of my goals in the new year to get Lucas to church as often as I can. He is going to need to start going for religious ed in the next two years regardless.

Disney Adventures

We got back from a mini vacation on Sunday. Marc and his father had their conference near Disney this year so it turned into a family trip. Both Marc and I had been to Disney as kids so it had been a while. But I was hoping to create for Lucas the same kind of magic that my parents did when I was 11. I know that he will probably not remember most of the trip but I always will. I had my list of things that I wanted to do with him and at the top was see the 3pm parade down Main Street. I remember sitting near Cindarella's Castle watching it with my family. It was amazing. I staked out two spots right on Main Street in front of the Emporium. And as the parade started, I was almost in tears experiencing it through Lucas' eyes. I think he was in complete awe of the characters-all he did was stare at them. I was able to coach him into waving at a good number and he even got a high 5's from some of them.

The other thing we needed to do was get him a pair of Mouse Ears. How can you not go to Disney and get a pair? I was so excited to give them to him. I placed my order before the parade and when it was over we picked them up. Once again, I was close to tears when he put the hat on for the first time. And the best part was that when he got his picture with Mickey and Minnie, he had them on!

I will post pictures and write more after Thanksgiving!

Love Train

I have written before that I started getting daily emails from Scott Noelle who does a parenting affirmation each day. Today's was on the Love Train:

:: Love Train ::Imagine you're in a train station awaiting the arrival of a most beloved friend or family member whom you haven't seen in years.You've been anticipating this reunion for days,activating memories of good times you've shared, and you *know* you're going to explode with joy when you finally meet.

The train arrives and people begin deboarding as you balance on your tip-toes, reaching for a glimpse of your cherished guest. You can barely contain the immense love and joy you're feeling.....

Now imagine that cherished guest is your child!Not some future adult version but your now/today child, coming off that train, just as eager to connect as you are.Imagine meeting your child with that same expectation of overflowing love and joy every morning as you rise and every time you reconnect throughout the day.

If you like this idea, imagine it often.Creation begins with imagination.

I have to say that this is the feeling I get each day when I pick up Lucas. I can't wait to see his smiling face and hear him say, "Mommy!" when he sees me. I get a big hug from him and he reaches up to take my hand. It is the best feeling in the world.

PUMPKINS!

I love pumpkins. No, really, I love pumpkins. I have no idea where this fascination came from but I find nothing happier than wondering around a pumpkin patch drinking in all the orange. Just so you have an idea of my illness, when I started playing Farmville on Facebook (yes, I am one of them), the first mastery sign I got was for pumpkins.

This year I was in pumpkin heaven-I grew my own!!!!

Yes, that is right. I planted mini and medium pumpkins in my upper garden plot. My goal was to grow enough minis to give to Lucas' daycare class but I only got 11 out of the crop. Still not bad! I decided to invite our neighbors Jen and Luke over to have their two kids pick some. I gave two to Lucas' teacher to use in their pumpkin class and we kept the rest. I only had two medium pumpkins grow. One was in our yard and the other one migrated to our neighbor's yard-LuAnn. It was under one of their big pine trees and somewhat out of clear sight. I kept trying to figure out how I was going to get it back over to our side and knew I needed to just go over and tell them it was there. They have a meticulous yard and I could just see the pumpkin rotting and then they would have a whole yard full of pumpkins in the future. It would not be pretty. Lucas and I ventured out to pick the last pumpkins this week and I was shocked to see that our traveling pumpkin was gone! They must have picked it. I will have to check their front door to see if they are actually using it or if they threw it in the trash-gasp!

Lucas and I were in Buffalo for Columbus Day and we went to a pumpkin farm with my mom, sister and her kids-Kelkenberg Farm. It was amazing! We were there as kids. When we paid our admission fee, they asked if we had even been there before. We all smiled and said yes and my mom told them of our previous trips. It is an actual working farm with draft horses, donkeys, chickens, goats, turkeys, ducks and apparently a cow but I didn't see it in the barn. We got there early enough to see them harnessing the horses for the hayride into the pumpkin patch. It was so neat. These horses are huge! And the workers were so friendly-telling us all about the horse (Chip) and how they get him ready. He apparently is a great horse but does not like to turn right out of his stall so they need to take him out and around the long way. Two other horses-Ben and Bella were not as cooperative. I told my mom that it was a good thing we didn't have them pulling our wagon!

Lucas was so excited to see it all-unlike our trip to the fair this summer. We loaded on the wagon and headed into the fields to pick our pumpkins. Because we were going on our family pumpkin adventure the following weekend, we only got some smaller ones. I could have stayed there all day just watching and petting the animals.

We went to our favorite pumpkin farm last weekend (Schramms) to get our big guy. I went in telling myself that we only needed one for carving. Between the ones we got in Buffalo and my own grown little guy, we didn't need many more. Well 4 pumpkins later we left! Marc got two big ones and I got another small pumpkin and the first for us-a white pumpkin. At this rate we could give everyone who is coming for dinner on halloween their own pumpkin.

Partnerships

When you are raising a child, you have lots of partnerships-with doctors, family, caregivers. And you would expect that those partnerships would be positive. Unforunately, our partnership with Lucas' current day care is becoming strained. When I was there for his open house, one of his teachers told me that he is doing well but at times will have his fits. His what? And then she goes on to tell me that they know about this episodes from the toddler room. Needless to say, I was a bit shocked.

At pick up, I don't regularly see his teachers. They leave us a daily sheet that lists what he did during the day but we have never gotten any notification that his behavior was an issue. He is at the age where he can understand what is appropriate and we can talk to him about things like this.

I asked her to please indicate on his daily sheet if things hadn't gone smoothly during the day so we could follow up with Lucas.

I am just really disappointed in their communication.

Three years

Three years ago today we brought Lucas home from the NICU. Amazing! You just don't realize how fast little ones develop until you look at pictures of how little and helpless he was on that late morning when our family became complete compared to how big and "grown up" Lucas is now. We celebrated his birthday by going to Chuck E Cheese with Poppa (Marc's dad). We will never go there on a Friday night again. But Lucas loved it. Sunday was his actual party and we got a huge surprise by having my brother, his new wife Jayne and their Great Dane puppy, Rudd, come in for the party. They drove up from Louisianna-stopping in NC to scope out wedding sites for their reception next year and then were in Maryland to visit her with family.

My sneaky sister was in on the action but my mom and I were in the dark. My parents were showing me pictures of Craig's place when in walks a second black dog. It was Rudd! My mom and I were crying like fools. It really made the party. We got to spend about a day with them before they had to head back home.

Lucas did well for his party-we have enough Buzz Lightyear stuff to film a spin off movie. He loves his Buzz. We had our two sets of neighbors over and it was nice for them to all meet.

Through it all I realized just how fortunate we are.

Lucas had his three year old well child check up last week. I wasn't able to be there but he did well. He is only 31 lbs (I swear he has lead in his feet) and 36 inches. No more measuring his head but they did take his blood pressure. The doctor asked if he runs-oh yes, and talks-oh yes. He is normal when it comes to all of that. Now eating veggies, that is a war we are currently engaged it.

On the eve of his third birthday

Lucas' birthday is tomorrow and I feel just as anxious now as I did when they told me I needed to be induced to save both of our lives. I guess it really isn't anxious as much as it is anticipation. Every day I have dutifully changed his placement that counts down the days to his birthday. Tonight after he goes to bed I have already planned on hanging up a birthday banner so he sees it first thing tomorrow. I am trying to decide which present to leave for him to open-of course I won't be there to see it but I will get to spend all weekend with him celebrating the amazing day of his birth!

Movin' on up!

Today is Lucas' last day in the Toddler Room. On Monday he will be in the 3 year old room-hard to believe that we are actually now at the stage were the age describes the room, rather than the developmental stage. He has been transitioning to the new room for about 10 days now-just going in the morning, then eating lunch and finally yesterday they slept in the new room for nap. His lead teacher seems very nice. At first I was concerned because she seems pretty old school, but yesterday at pick up, she talked not only to me about Lucas' day, but also bent down to address Lucas about it as well. I liked that! I hope he does well with more structure. There are several little ones from his room moving with him so I am sure that will ease his transition.

It has been a long year-we all survived and made adjustments. Lucas seems to love the center and we have gotten to know a few of the families. And it is amazing how Lucas has grown and changed! Hard to imagine with the next year will bring for our little guy!

Good one liners from Lucas

Lucas has been coming up with some good one liners lately. Here are some of my favorites:

"Daddy, you are handsome" Said when Lucas and Marc were getting out of the pool
"That car drives fast like yours does Mommy." Said as we watched a car race down our street
"Mommy, does that car need a honk?" Lately traffic has been bad right outside his daycare and I have needed to give some drivers some extra motivation to move

And the best one so far-said while checking out at Giant Eagle:
Lucas-"Daddy, why that baby crying?"
Marc-"I don't know-maybe he is hungry, or tired, or needs his diaper changed."
Lucas - "Daddy, the baby should have chocolate. That would make him feel better."
Marc-"Babies don't eat chocolate Lucas."
Lucas thinks for a minute. "I should eat the baby's chocolate then. It will make me feel better for him."

I love how his critical thinking skills are developing and expanding!!!

Neighbors

On set of our neighbors had significant damage done to their kitchen and son's room during our lovely February storm. They started repairing the kitchen this week but were without a stove and microwave. Since it is summer, Jen, the mom, was just cooking on their grill. But Wednesday we were forecasted to get some pretty nasty storms so she was looking for other options. The same night she happened to friend me on Facebook so this is how I learned of their situation. By the time I read her post, it was too late to invite them over for dinner but I sent her a message that they should come over for dinner on Thursday. Jen and her two kids (Dad was out of town on business) came over for chicken nuggets, veggies and chicken rice last night. It was fun. We have interacted with them but for only brief periods of time. The kids were great together-Lucas, always the clown, showed them all of his toys and wanted them to play basketball with him.

It was nice to connect with them this way. Growing up we were always at neighbors' houses. Summer it was like we were a gang just running from house to house. It is just different for us. Maybe because Marc and I both work, maybe because we have no sidewalks, maybe because there aren't many families on our street. but is it just different. I hope this continues and we can do more things together.

Encounters with friends and critters

We had a busy weekend. Saturday we had our newest neighbor, Janel, and her daughter, Breanne, over for dinner. The poor woman moved in next door in December but because of the crappy winter, we didn't get to meet her until spring. Our conversations had been brief over the fence when we were both outside. So I decided to be "neighborly" and invite them and our other neighbors over for dinner. Unfortunately, the other neighbors were sick with the flu and couldn't join us.

We had a nice time-it was fun to talk over dinner, show off our home and share a meal. Lucas and Breanne went outside for a bit. Lucas loved exploring their yard and Bre kept a great eye on her. Future sitter for us!! At one point after dinner, Bre let their dog, Max, out. It was dusk so the critters were starting to come out. And lo and behold, a skunk was at the end of their back yard. Max took off after it and got sprayed. Poor dog-he stunk!!! Janel called him back to us which meant we all started to smell like the skunk. Max rubbed up against my leg so I went into the basement and tried to scrub as much off as I could! Max has had at least three baths and got a trip to the groomer on Monday! Our evening quickly ended but with promises to do it again!

Since our lovely cat Jeff looks a little like a skunk, we spent a good part of the evening telling Lucas that he needs to stay away from any of the animals in our back yard, especially those who look like Jeff! Just more motivation to get a dog-it will keep some of the animals at bay when Lucas is playing outside.

On Sunday, Lucas and I visited my friend Daniel and his wife Stacy. They have a farm outside of Wheeling. Despite a horrible rain storm, poorly marked country roads and little cell service, we made it without any issues! We got to know 6 of their 7 cats, saw their beehive, met Buster and Bob-their neighbor's year old bulls. That is right, not cows but bulls-horns, attitude and all. Lucas got to feed and walk one of Stacy's horses-Little Joe. I got some great pictures that will appear here soon. Lucas was great-he loved leading Joe, giving treats to the cats, playing with Daniel.

Thoughts on the Daily Groove

Like many people, sometimes my daily groove feels more like a rut-the same old thing day in and day out. I like routine but come on. I think about working part time at least 5 times a week. I wonder if we are doing enough "enrichment" at home. And that is why I like getting these parenting Daily Groove messages each day. Two recently struck a cord in me. The first was about worrying less and loving more. It talked about how worrying focuses all your attention on what you don't want to have happen and puts you in a state of fear. I live that every time we see Marc's parents. While in Columbus for the July 4th, we were all at Marc's uncle's house. A beautiful home with an in ground pool. At one point, the kids were all playing ping pong. Now, an almost 3 year old and almost 4 year old couldn't really do much playing but they thought the mini paddles and crazy ball were a good time. I was acting as a ball girl while the rest of the family was behind me, sitting on the deck. My mother in law was beside herself every time one of the kids had to walk past the corners for fear they would hit their heads on the corner. Why can't you just enjoy the game and silliness of the boys?

The other piece was on finding your own groove-one day at a time. It compared our growth as parents to the growth of our children. Some days we wake up and are convinced that our children have grown overnight. These eye opening changes are really a culimation of countless tiny changes. Equating that to parenting, our inner growth is no different. We wake up one day and realize we have a better handle on things. It is the many, small day to day choices that over time, transform you as a parent. I completely agree with that statement.

July 4th and new puppies

We ventured to Columbus again this year for July 4th. We love spending it with friends John and Stacy and their little guy JT. The little boys are only 2 months apart-it was fun to watch them play and run around like little boys should. We were treated to no one but two nights of fireworks. As Lucas says, "It is VERY excitng." We were also treated to two days of no napping by Lucas. He was good despite the lack of sleep but it has taken us a few days, (OK, almost a week) to get back into too sleeping patterns. One night John suggested we just put the two boys in the same room and let them play until they fall asleep. Everyone thought that would be a good idea except for Marc. Really? I had a hard time seeing how this was a bad idea. It wasn't like they were going to be up all night playing. At some point they would have laid down and been out. But I guess it was better to have Lucas in bed with us which meant NO ONE got a good night's sleep.

On the way out of town we visited with Marc's aunt and uncle. They have a beautiful inground pool. Lucas was all about going in. Being the designated swimmer of our family, I had to join him in the 83 degree water on a bright sunny day. Marc's cousin showed him how to kick and I got him to lay on his back. Lucas is on his way! It was fun to be with him and show him swimming is OK.

And the best news is that I am once again an aunt!!! My brother and his fiancee got a black great dane puppy on Friday! He is 5 months old and still growing into his legs and ears. I am so excited for them. Craig called me on their way home. I can't wait to see pictures/babysit him. Welcome Rudd Wardak to the family.

The end of June-ALREADY?

I am so sad it is almost the end of June. I think most of the people I work with just realized this because everyone was in a state of mourning this week. Where has the time gone? When you work in higher education, your time is marked by when the students are and aren't on campus, in large numbers that is. We all breathed a huge sigh of relief the first week of May when all of our students were gone. Now it is the "Holy $&*!", they will be here in another 8 weeks!!!

I am also sad because our weather in good old Pittsburgh has been anything but summer like. The whole month of May and most of June saw rain. I mean, we had enough toad stools in our backyard to accommodate lots and lots of toads. I was about ready to give up on growing anything but cranberries in my garden.

We have managed to have some fun though. We have had two playdates with friends at our house; we had a teacher, who is also a friend from Lucas' old daycare over for dinner; we went to Buffalo for the weekend; we had the Bright cousins over for homemade pizza and to break in our new sprinkler.

But I look ahead at all the other things I have planned for the weekends and we are now into August!!!!!! We are headed to Columbus for July 4th; we are scheduled to go to see a friend's farm outside of Wheeling; I am supposed to meet up with friends; another playdate is being planned-and I had thought about surprising my dad by going to Buffalo for his birthday weekend. What is going to happen when Lucas is old enough to actually be scheduled in HIS actvities?

I am tired just writing about this . . . .

Dealing with independence and expectations

We had been having a hard time having Lucas hold our hands when we were out-especially in parking lots. He just fought and fought us on it. I normally ended up having to pick him up and pray I made it to the car without dropping either him or whatever else I was carrying.

On Sunday we needed to run some errands. I planned it so we could get everything we needed in one shopping plaza-that way I didn't need to run all over town and we could walk to the stores. Lucas was great about holding my hand. It was really windy out so I told him to hold onto me so Mommy didn't fly away. He thought that was funny. At our last stop-a craft store, he spied a sand pail and shovel set. Of course I caved and bought him one. As we left and were headed back to the car, he struggled holding both the shovel and pail and then my hand. Every couple of feet, he would drop my hand, pick up the shovel from the pail, hold it for a few seconds, then put it back in the pail and hold my hand again. He clearly wanted to just hold that pail and shovel. He didn't fight me on holding my hand and I didn't fight him on wanting to get his shovel fix. It was fine-I wasn't in a rush to get him back to the car and he was happy.

Fun with the little man

Bedtime
I have been able to put Lucas to bed the past few nights. The last few weeks saw me busy with other things or too tired to do it so I have missed out. But oh how happy I get the time with him again. For all his running around, Lucas is still a cuddler. Every night before I put him in the crib, we cuddle in his rocking chair for a little bit. He is so sweet. Sometimes he points to his crib, other times I just put him in. He looks at me and says, "Mommy sit down." So I sit back down and sometimes we talk, sometimes he just holds his hand out through the slates and I hold it. When Marc puts him to bed, the talk is normally around what Lucas ate that day. But we don't always need to talk. One night when I thought Lucas wanted to just be quiet, he told me, "Mommy talk".

Playing with the sun
Last night Marc was going to work late so Lucas and I were on our own. We went to Target to get some things and were headed home about 7:15pm. We were driving west, right into the sun as it started to set. Lucas told me he sees the sun. I said, "Yes, the sun is in front of us." But as I crested one of the many hills on our way home, the sun disappeared behind some trees. Lucas was all concerned and asked me where it went. I told him it was playing hide and seek with him, but if he kept looking out the windows, he would see it again. Sure enough, we started down the hill again and he shouted, "I see it! I see it." The rest of the way home, that silly sun would hide on him. He was so excited to look for it. He told me he was going to tell his friends that he played hide and seek with the sun when he got to school.

I am lazy-I will admit it

We should start potty training-I know it, but I am lazy. There, I said it. I know that you should wait for your child to take an interest in it and watch for signs.

Well, Lucas is clearly demonstrating signs he is ready. He has been interested in the potty-curious when we are in there, has seen and sat on his potty. At daycare he has been dry for most of the day on several occasions. And now we have the joy of watching him grab himself when he is clearly going to the bathroom.

After our friends visited with their almost 3 year old who is potty trained, I thought Lucas would take more on interest in the whole process. We started asking him if he wants to sit on the potty and he does, but only because he likes to flush the toilet. After a messy diaper, I recently flushed the unmentionables and Lucas thought that was the best thing ever! i even printed out a potty calendar with characters from Toy Story on it to help mark his progress.

I don't want to force it on him. I have heard from other moms that different approaches can work-having them wear underwear and feel being wet; sitting them on the toilet every 15 minutes to get them used to using the toilet. I would love to be off for a week and just be able to focus on this. But that isn't going to happen. So I will just need to do it. Hopefully if I set the goal for us to well on our way by the end of August, just before he turns three.

The Daily Groove

At some point in my web travels I came across a parenting daily affirmation site called the Daily Groove by Scott Noelle. Every morning there is a nice little parenting piece in my inbox. Somethings they really speak to what I am going through, sometimes not so much.

The one that I received on Monday was titled, "Unconditional Presence: The Oak Tree." Scott asks us to imagine an oak tree-that the great oak tree stands tall not because it is taking a defensive stance against the world, rather, it is simply just present and there. It is focused, rooted-unconditionally.

He challenges us to take the same attitude when it comes to parenting. When our children challenge us with their behavior, don't resist, just be present. Be rooted in how you handle and respond to the situation.

Another Baby Item Gone

Lucas has been out of his high chair for about 2 months or so. I knew he was ready for the booster chair, he knew he was ready for the booster chair, Marc on the other hand . . .

So the high chair has sat in our kitchen, up against the wall, all this time. It is a good thing we have a big kitchen! While preparing for our friends to visit, I covered the big thing up and moved it down to the basement. I will sell it at the next consignment sale or post it on Craigs List. I wasn't necessarily sad to move it downstairs but it has been in our kitchen since September 2007. I remember the first time we fed Lucas in it (January 2008). I remember struggling to put it together all those nights I had insomnia-pieces and parts all over the family room. One morning Marc got up to find me crying, so frustrated that I couldn't figure this stupid chair out. It felt like just another thing I was failing at as a new mom.

So now it is officially out of our living space. Next on my list, the crib . . .

Sweetness

I think I fall more and more in love with son every day. Even when he wakes up at
5am on a day that was already going to be a bit chaotic. Lucas normally sleeps until 8am so when we heard the cries on the monitor, Marc and I were a little surprised. Marc got up with him so I could try and sleep another 45 minutes but that wasn't going to happen. When I finally came downstairs ready for work, Lucas heard me and excitedly called out, "Mommy!" With his hair sticking up and in his slightly too tight pjs, he was the picture of beauty and love. And when he did a little dance in the kitchen when I was getting his water, I couldn't help but think, will he always be this cute? But the kicker was when I was ready to leave the house, Lucas looked at me and said where are you going? I told him work. He said, "No, I want to go." and took my hand. Sweet, sweet boy, my Lucas.

Ambition

I have been thinking about ambition a lot lately, mainly because mine was questioned a few weeks ago. I have never wanted to be dean of students or in a high power position. I will admit that to anyone who asks. I look for positions that will allow for me to use my talents and make an impact. That can happen in lots of positions. My new boss has big ambitions and he admits to them as well. He is a strategic thinker and has big plans for his career. He has the time and the family support to achieve them. I have no interest in taking over for him when he moves onto his next step. Nor do I have family resources to do it. Does that mean my ambition is not as valued as his? Or if because my long term interests are outside higher education, they are trivial?

I was participating in a team builder with my new student peer educators last week and we were asked to name some of our dream jobs. I said a master gardner. My boss said dean of a business school. When I shared mine, my students asked me a bunch of questions and were really intrigued by it.

Every day I work with students who are trying to name or achieve their ambitions-each is unique and different and is theirs. And while I can't imagine doing what they hope to, I encourage them and value them for what they can bring to the world of business. I don't think less of them or try and talk them out of a particular path.

I feel like because I have "settled" on this being as high as I want to go in this field, my boss thinks that I am a burnout and afraid of a challenge. Oh well. I will just go home and focus on planning my garden:)

Having to eat my words . . .

Lucas has decided that his wide variety of foods is now going to be limited to some fruit, chicken covered in breading, carbs and chocolate. No fish, no veggies, no sandwiches. I hate dinner time-it is a battle of wills between Marc and Lucas that leaves one of us screeching, one of us yelling and me in silent frustration. Last night Lucas didn't touch any of his dinner-spent the whole time complaining about the strap on his booster chair. We told him no TV, no other food until he tried dinner. Well, he finally did, at 9:15pm. And he only ate the roast beef-no gratin potatoes and no carrots.

I know that some kids go through this as toddlers but I miss the days when he would eat almost anything. The other day Marc gave him four things for lunch. Lucas didn't eat much of any of it. I told Marc if we didn't give him so many options, he would eat some of the food. Marc didn't seem to agree with me-surprise, surprise.

Lucas did want to try a tomato the other night-he rubbed it on his tongue, told me it was cold and then said he didn't like it. At least he will sometimes ask to try things, even if he doesn't eat them.

Bad Mother thoughts

I finally had a chance to collect my thoughts on Ayelet Waldman's book-Bad Mother. It is a brutually honest reflection on motherhood-on the choices we make, the impact it has on our relationships, how our role and identity can be drastically changed.

Here are just some of the things that really struck a cord with me:

She begins by saying that the book is about the perils and joys of trying to be a decent mother in a world that is intent on making you feel like a bad one. that really struck me because that is exactly what I felt for Lucas' first year. I felt that because I wasn't enjoying every single minute of this experience, I wasn't a good mom. that because I didn't feel suddendly enlightned the moment Lucas was born, I wasn't worthy of being a mom.

Ayelet then goes on to say that moms should tell the truth, even when the truth is difficult. So true!!!! I remember soon after Lucas was born a friend who had become a new mom herself told me very cryptically that there might be times when I felt crazy and would question what I had done but it would be OK. Only now do I realize that she was talking to me in a code that meant everyone struggles with being a new mom. Well then tell me that! I was having a hard enough time trying to figure out what Lucas' different cries meant. I didn't have the patience or brainpower to decode new mom talk.

Aylete finishes up the introduction by saying that one of the darkest, deepest shames so many moms feel today is our fear that we are Bad Moms, that we are failing our children and falling short or our own ideals. If I let myself, I could go into complete hysterics because I let Lucas watch too many movies, that I don't engage with him after we both have had a long day or the other 1000 things that we can fret about. Out comes that bad mom stamp again-and everyone will be able to see, just by looking at Lucas what a bad mom I am.

She talkes about reading Anna Karenina (one of my favorites). At one point, after Anna has left her husband and son to be with her lover, Anna excoriates herself by believing that she is an unnatural mother. A natural mother would never indulge in her own happiness. Rather, a natural mother would understand and accept the relative insignificance her own happiness is. and while most of us wouldn't resort to the actions of Anna (throwing yourself under a train), this fear of being an unnatural mom is very real and familiar. Waldman goes on to say that we are supposed to not only sacrifice ourselves for our children but do so willingly, cheerfully and without ever feeling any seething resentment and when we fail, we feel guilty and ashamed. And she then asks: how do you find consolation in the face of all this failure adn guilt? I don't know how many times I have rushed home after being out on a simple errand because Lucas was left home with Marc. That I feel like I need to apologize if I took longer than I had planned.

Waldman covers a lot of ground-from our obsession with trying to make our children prodegies, leaving her job as a lawyer, terminating a pregnancy due to trisomy and bipolar issues.

It is not all sunshine and rainbows but it does all you to feel better about struggling to be a mom and how to find ways to cherish that role!

Boys and broken bones

Lucas fractured his left clavicle on Tuesday.

At daycare.

Because he wasn't paying attention walking down the stairs and there wasn't a teacher at the midpoint in the stairs (that is a whole other post) and he fell-down three stairs.

Initially the teachers thought he just hit his head so they were looking for signs of a concussion. But they assured me he was acting fine. After a few minutes with an ice pack, he was up riding bikes with his friends.

But when they tried to change his diaper before nap, things changed. He was screaming, pointing to his arm. They called me back but I wasn't in my office. So they called Marc and he left to get him.

so after two different doctor visits and a whole bunch of x-rays, they diagnosed it as a fractured left clavicle. And the recovery? 5 weeks of no jumping, running, bike riding-anything and everything a little boy likes to do. And he has to be in a sling except for when he sleeps. The sling they gave us is too big and the dr told us to angle his arm so it is above his heart. Well, there is no way we can do that with this sling. I was up most of Tuesday night thinking that I was going to do more damage and Lucas would have a deformed collar bone because I wasn't capable enough to put on the sling correctly.

I talked to the nurse practitioner yesterday and she said we were told wrong info-there is no way we could position his arm like that. she said that as long as the arm was at a right angle, and his wrist was across his belly, the collarbone would set correctly. Now we just have to pin the sling to his t shirt to make sure it doesn't slip during the day.

The good news is that most kids are OK after a week or two with the sling! And he has done well the past two days-last night he was even playing and today he is acting more like himself. He also slept through the night.

Little boys and their bones . . .

Great read

I have been reading "Bad Mother: A Chronicle of Maternal Crimes, Minor calamities and Occasional Moments of Grace", by Ayelet Waldman. I saw a review of this book about year ago and have been waiting for it to be availalbe at our library. I hit the jackpot about a week ago. I have dogeared a number of pages that I will reflect on in a later post. It is one of those "real books" on motherhood and relationships. Ayelet bravely tells her story about struggling to be a mom who prefers to work and letting her husband be the stay at home parent.

Happy Two and a half year Birthday Lucas

Dear Lucas,

I can't believe you are two and a half today! Where has the time gone? You continue to amaze me-you have such a good imagination, I love hearing your stories and talking with you about things. I hope you stay that way because it truly is a gift. I love how excited you get over the little things, like the balloons I brought home yesterday, seeing Jeff when we get home and noticing our new St. Patrick's Day flag.

I hope you continue to learn patience and realize that you don't need to get so upset when Mommy and Daddy tell you no. Everything will be OK if you just relax and wait a minute. Please start to eat better-you used to be such a good eater and now Mommy and Daddy are at a loss. Vegetables are good-Mommy eats them all the time! There are so many good things out there to try! Even if Mommy doesn't like to eat it, I will make it for you:)

Pretty soon it will be spring and we can go outside and ride your bike from Bapa and play in the backyard. You will have lots of room to run and play catch with Daddy-i know he is really looking forward to that.

We love you little bug!

Mommy

Life in the toddler lane

I am finding it hard to keep up with everything lately: work, home, daycare, birthdays, new babies arriving, friends, snow, snow and more snow. We were coasting through winter when we got hit with that huge snow storm the second weekend in February. 24 inches in less than 24 hours is a lot of snow for anywhere, especially someplace that doesn't know how to effectively clear snow and has lots and lots of hills. After being stuck in the house for almost a week, I realized I am not meant to be a fulltime stay at home mom, at least not for right now. Lucas feel in love with movies during this time. He is addicted to Cars, Toy Story, Stuart Little and Bob the Builder now. He even knows how to turn on the DVD players-I think this will start to become a problem.

We went home to Buffalo for my youngest nephew's birthday the following weekend. It was funny to drive north and see less and less snow. Who would think you needed to go to Buffalo to escape the snow? My dad a week or so before we visited had developed this odd condition with his eye. The lid essentially closed and he couldn't open it. There were lots of doctor appointments, tests and consultation. Lots things were ruled out but not a lot was seen as the definitive cause or answer. It was a bit disturbing to see my dad so vulerable. And it got me thinking about mortality. We have always been a pretty realist family-people die. It is just the cycle of things. But it really got me thinking about my parents. I know they won't be around forever and I want Lucas to have as much time with them as possible.

And in the midst of all this, I am transitioning to a new job. I am excited for it and it will be a good step for me professionally. A whole new group of people get know all the charms of Lucas:)

We are still here

I have committed a blogging sin by not posting in over a month (GASP!). Rest assured we are still here, still loving Lucas, still struggling to find balance in our lives and now trying to dig out from 30 inches of snow in 6 days. We are on our way to Buffalo this weekend for some family fun and birthdays. More tales will follow soon:)
Stay warm and stay safe.

Friends, Family and Fire Trucks

Happy New Year! Our family had a very nice holiday season. Working for a university means I get almost two weeks off:) Lucas and I spent a week in Buffalo with my family. It was glorious. I haven't spent that much time there in a very, very long time. the night we got there, our family was celebrating Wigilia-a traditional Polish Christmas Eve meal. Because my sister spends Christmas Eve with her in laws, we generally celebrate Wigilia another night. The highlights included: my dad trying to get the dog to wear antlers but in the end were worn by all the grandsons. Lucas had them on the longest. Lucas also started to anticipate Santa's arrival by jumping up and down and yelling, "Santa Claus! Santa Claus!" He was so excited. Marc arriving just before 7pm to the delight of everyone. I was so happy to see him and to have him experience Santa on a Fire Truck! That's right, my brother in law is chief of the town's fire department. Every year "Santa" comes to the various fire member's houses and delivers a pre Christmas toy to the children. Since my nephew's were going to be at the house and Lucas' love of fire trucks made this stop very special.

It was great to spend time with my brother who came in from Hawaii and to meet his girlfriend. Jayne is very nice and seems to suit my brother well. I don't think my family scared her off too much. Of course all she wanted was to see snow while she was in town and as luck would have it, we didn't get much of it until the day after they left. Lucas liked visiting with "Uncle Gaw" and being rough housed a bit.

One of my highlights was seeing four friends from high school-three of which I hadn't seen in many, many years. It was great to reconnect. Between all the kids and us, there were about 20 people at the pizza place. It was amazing to think that our kids had never met before but just fell into natural play groups based on their common ages. And it was fun to see each of us as moms. Some things never change in terms of how we react to situations and it was fun to watch! Of course I think I am now suckered into going to my 20th high school reunion in July-ugh.

Another highlight was going to dinner with Marc. Just the two of us. My mom and dad watched Lucas so we could go to to locate restaurant. It was nice to go someplace that caters to grown ups and didn't have a children's section on the menu!

We made it home safely and I still had time to tackle some home projects that had been nagging at me to get done.

Here is to a good 2010!