Bad Mother thoughts

I finally had a chance to collect my thoughts on Ayelet Waldman's book-Bad Mother. It is a brutually honest reflection on motherhood-on the choices we make, the impact it has on our relationships, how our role and identity can be drastically changed.

Here are just some of the things that really struck a cord with me:

She begins by saying that the book is about the perils and joys of trying to be a decent mother in a world that is intent on making you feel like a bad one. that really struck me because that is exactly what I felt for Lucas' first year. I felt that because I wasn't enjoying every single minute of this experience, I wasn't a good mom. that because I didn't feel suddendly enlightned the moment Lucas was born, I wasn't worthy of being a mom.

Ayelet then goes on to say that moms should tell the truth, even when the truth is difficult. So true!!!! I remember soon after Lucas was born a friend who had become a new mom herself told me very cryptically that there might be times when I felt crazy and would question what I had done but it would be OK. Only now do I realize that she was talking to me in a code that meant everyone struggles with being a new mom. Well then tell me that! I was having a hard enough time trying to figure out what Lucas' different cries meant. I didn't have the patience or brainpower to decode new mom talk.

Aylete finishes up the introduction by saying that one of the darkest, deepest shames so many moms feel today is our fear that we are Bad Moms, that we are failing our children and falling short or our own ideals. If I let myself, I could go into complete hysterics because I let Lucas watch too many movies, that I don't engage with him after we both have had a long day or the other 1000 things that we can fret about. Out comes that bad mom stamp again-and everyone will be able to see, just by looking at Lucas what a bad mom I am.

She talkes about reading Anna Karenina (one of my favorites). At one point, after Anna has left her husband and son to be with her lover, Anna excoriates herself by believing that she is an unnatural mother. A natural mother would never indulge in her own happiness. Rather, a natural mother would understand and accept the relative insignificance her own happiness is. and while most of us wouldn't resort to the actions of Anna (throwing yourself under a train), this fear of being an unnatural mom is very real and familiar. Waldman goes on to say that we are supposed to not only sacrifice ourselves for our children but do so willingly, cheerfully and without ever feeling any seething resentment and when we fail, we feel guilty and ashamed. And she then asks: how do you find consolation in the face of all this failure adn guilt? I don't know how many times I have rushed home after being out on a simple errand because Lucas was left home with Marc. That I feel like I need to apologize if I took longer than I had planned.

Waldman covers a lot of ground-from our obsession with trying to make our children prodegies, leaving her job as a lawyer, terminating a pregnancy due to trisomy and bipolar issues.

It is not all sunshine and rainbows but it does all you to feel better about struggling to be a mom and how to find ways to cherish that role!