Opportunity Costs

When I was in high school economics, I loved to talk about the theory of opportunity costs-that for every choice we make, there is a cost. Sunday Marc tried to let me have a relaxing day. I got to take two naps, I got to iron my clothes for the week, I actually got to read the Sunday paper and clip the coupons! But as I laid in bed trying to get a nap in, all I could think of were the other "costs" I would have to deal with by opting to nap: dinner would not be prepped; Lucas' laundry would not get done; we would not take that walk we had been talking about for two days; I would not be going grocery shopping. I became so preoccupied that I had to get up. When I got downstairs, Marc looked at me and asked, "What are you doing up?" He has this remarkable ability to just turn off his brain. Mine spins uncontrollably.

We have a roller!

For about two and a half months, Lucas has gone from his back to his side. He doesn't roll all the way over onto his stomach-I guess he is just content to lay on his side and take in the world. Several times Marc and I have thought that "This might be the day!" when he finally gets his top leg over and rolls onto his stomach.

Well last night he finally did it! I was laying next to him in the living room and he got onto his side and finally rolled onto his stomach. He did it twice and was OK with being on his stomach. It was so exciting to watch. I think he is finally feeling better-he has been talking and smiling a lot more these past three days.

On the way home from daycare last night, I looked in the backseat to check on Lucas and he was trying to sit up in the seat and had turned to the side, looking out the window. It was funny to see him sideways. He looked at me and gave me a big toothless smile and went back to checking out the world. Nothing gets past him these days!

Time Vacuum

Lucas slept through the night again last night-I think we are moving on a positive path now. Jeff, on the other hand, made another trip to the basement about 2am after he woke me up clawing at the bed skirt. Lucas woke up really early today-about 5am. Marc changed his diaper and thought he could get him back to sleep-well that didn't happen. So we were all up by 5:45am. After he ate, Lucas took a mini nap in the living room while Marc and I took showers. You would think that being up before 6am I could get out of the door early-nope. Still managed to leave the house at 7:20am. At least there wasn't a lot of traffic. I think people have this week off for Easter.

I liked being in control of my schedule but clearly now that Lucas is here, he tends to have some input. When he was first home, I used to tell Marc that if we wanted to leave the house by, 11:30am to go somewhere, we needed to start getting ready by 10:45am. Because a diaper change usually meant a change in clothes for Lucas as well.

Challenges

We have had a tough few nights-I am not sure if it is Lucas' teething or going through a growth spurt, but he had been getting up the past few nights and wanted to eat. We are still trying to get him to eat his veggies and fruit. He seems to like applesauce but fights us for anything else. A woman I work with said that she though Augmentin was a sulfar based drug and might be giving him heartburn. That might be why he will take his bottle but not the food. We only have one more day of the meds so let's hope he is back to normal soon.

This morning on the way into work there was a story about 9 year olds in Texas who are snorting heroin. I was shocked. This after another story on the news recently about 11 year olds who are starting to drink. How can I make sure Lucas doesn't fall victim to these things? It makes me sick to think that kids are making these choices and the drugs are so easy to get. And we are so busy now-by the time both Marc and I get home, get dinner going and try to stay up with the mail and household things, it is nearly 9pm. Where will we find time to help Lucas with his homework or just spend some quality time with him.

Marc's cousin asked me on Sunday if it was hard to work fulltime and have a baby. I said of course. She never had kids so she has not experienced this struggle first hand. I know that millions of parents have successfully juggled the many parenting roles and we will eventually get it too. But all I could think of was those stories and how last night after his bottle, Lucas fell asleep on my chest, trusting I would keep him safe.

Who do you want to be?

We went to church yesterday for Easter and I have to say I was quite impressed with our pastor's homily. Normally Easter homilies are all the same for me. But yesterday he spoke about the new year in the Church with Christ's resurrection. He challenged us to make it a new year for ourselves as well. He asked us what kind of person we wanted to be, what would we change. He challenged us to make some "new year' resolutions and keep to them. So what kind of person would I want to be this year? What kind of mom do I want to be?

*I want to be a mom that finds time to read to her son
*I want to be a mom that finds a way to get her son to nap more consistently
*I want to be a mom that doesn't face a struggle every time a decision needs to be made
*I want to be a mom that doesn't feel like everything she does is wrong
*I want to be a mom that finds strength somewhere to get through all of this

Remember Mom, I was a Preemie

I know to look at Lucas now, you would never guess he was a preemie. He is big and strong and relatively healthy-we are still battling that ear infection. He is alert and engaged with the people who love and care for him.

But his physical development is still behind. His adjusted age is about 5 months, even though his chronological age is 6 and a half. Just recently he started putting his hands together and picking things up. He also recently started reaching for his toes-all things that are normal for kids his adjusted age. It is so hard to remember that though. I think to myself, "Why hasn't he rolled over yet? Why isn't he bearing weight on his arms?" I know some of it is his weight-he is just too heavy to bear weight completely on his arms (and we are working with a Physical Therapist to fix there) and he is just too content to be on his side and doesn't see the need to roll over.

One of the hardest things is to see other kids his age at day care or the kids of our friends who seem to be doing so much more than Lucas. I start to question what is wrong? What could I have done differently to help advance his development? Do other parents look at Lucas and think what is wrong with him?

Give us strength

The past few days have been very tough-I had been stuck inside with Lucas since Thursday. It turns out that he didn't have the flu but has a double ear infection. All the vomiting was from his post nasal drip, not a stomach bug. For those of you keeping count, Lucas has had 4 ear infections since December.

Marc finally sent me out on Sunday to pick up his 6 month pictures and to get some jeans. I have lost about 40 pounds so most of my clothes are falling off of me. When I am stressed, I don't eat so for most of the three months I was off on leave, I didn't eat much. Thus the dramatic weight loss.

Last night Marc and I had a long needed talk about how I was feeling. We cried and finally spoke the words I didn't want to say but needed to share-I am tired and I miss my old life. Most days I doubt my ability to be a good mom for Lucas and it breaks my heart. I hate this dance I seem to be doing with Marc's mom-her feeling like she isn't a part of Lucas' life and me feeling like she doesn't have time for Lucas because she is busy with Marc's sister's kids or her mom.

Everyday I have been looking out into our backyard, hoping to see the crocuses and daffodils pop up. I guess with them I hope to see a change in our struggles at home.

If I had a million dollars

I told Marc soon after we first met that if I ever won the lottery, I would take a year off of work and travel the world visiting my friends. This of course after I had paid off all my bills and put some away in savings.

This goal or wish came back to me after spending time with our friends John and Stacy and their son JT last night-yep, John never got my message about Lucas being sick so they showed up last night about 4pm. Let's all hope that JT doesn't get what Lucas has had!! They only live in Columbus which is about 3 hours away. But it is so hard to make plans to see any of our friends. Between Marc's work schedule and the weather and other family plans, our friends suffer.

I would still love to take that year and travel the country with Lucas. There are so many great places we could go. With so many of my friends with families already or having kids now, Lucas would meet lots of friends along the way.

It was great to see John and Stacy and meet JT. He is adorable. (John and Stacy, you two did good!!). I wished Lucas was feeling better because I would have loved to see the two of them play. JT is so full of life and was so animated. He didn't care that he was in someone else's house and had strange people holding him.

Grumpy Friday

I am grumpy today-Pitt is closed because of spring break and I have been really looking forward to having a day to myself. I had wanted to venture out, do some shopping, some reading and then greet my friends from Ohio and my parents who were all going to be here for the weekend.

Then my parents cat got sick and he isn't long for this world. They were hesitant to leave him. Then my mom came down with a chest cold and she didn't want to get us sick. So they weren't going to come down.

Then Lucas got the stomach bug. So we weren't going to send him to the Carriage House. With him being sick, I called our friends John and Stacy and said that they probably don't want to visit-I didn't want their son JT to get sick.

So there went my day to myself and my weekend plans that I have been looking forward to.

There is so much prep done before a baby is born: the nursery, the names, the showers, the birthing classes, the birth plan. But do we really plan for what our lives will be like-the lack of sleep, the lack of independence, everything is planned around feedings and naps. Right after Lucas was born, I read somewhere that women who become new moms sometimes grieve for the life they once had. When I read this, it really made sense to me. They say there are stages to overcoming grief. I don't recall them all now but I think some of them are: denial, bartering, anger, and acceptance. I think I am in the angry stage now-I am really angry that I lost today.

I get excited about poop and pick my son's nose

I know that becoming a parent is a tranformation. But I NEVER imagined I would be the type of mom who got excited about poop or picked my son's nose. And yes, I do both of those things.

Today while I was holding Lucas I realized he had messed his diaper. To make him feel better, I started to talk to him about the fact that he had a stinky diaper, that it was making mommy gag, wondering what color it was. What is wrong with me!

Then this morning when Lucas was having some mat time, I noticed he had some dried snots just inside his nose. Since the aspirator was in the family room and he hates it anyway, I decided to just use my fingernail. I guess you just do what you have to do when you are a mom. God help me if I start to stick his pacifier in my mouth after he has dropped it on the floor . . .

We will see comfort through the vomit.

So my last post was on the ugly side of being a mom. This one will be much brighter:)

Lucas woke us up this morning about 12:45am by throwing up-he has a stomach virus. As he sat in my lap and alternated from smiling to struggling to throw up, Marc was on the phone with our doctor getting some guidance. Then he left to get some Pedialyte. I know he was worried-we both were. We had the ear infection thing down pat now. But a stomach virus-that was a whole new ballgame. Lucas finally fell asleep in my arms and I wish I could have frozen time. I loved being able to comfort him. Even though it tore me up to see Marc so upset and Lucas scared, I loved being able to just hold him in my arms and watch him breathe and be able to assure Marc that things would be OK. Lucas looked at peace.

When I was getting ready this morning, I looked in on Lucas. He didn't look like a baby anymore. He had his head turned to the side with his hands close to his cheeks, but his legs were out straight. I am sure for any adult that would not be a comfortable position. He just looked so relaxed and at ease. I could have stayed there all day just looking at him.

I guess being a mom is like being a yo-yo; you have your ups and downs and sometimes some crazy tricks in between.

Lucas found his elephant

For all my sicko friends, this isn't going to be about what you think it is.

Lucas has two toys that hang from his car seat-one is a mama elephant and a her calf, the other is a daddy lion and his cub. I got them to keep Lucas occupied in the car and to help stimulate his reach. Marc hates them-they are in the way when you try to put Lucas in the seat or when you take him out; they have a bell inside so every time the seat moves, they make noise. He also thinks they make Lucas cross eyed. Whatever, I like them.

Today as we were leaving the Carriage House (that is Lucas' day care center), Lucas reached up and grabbed the elephant!!!!!! I was so excited you would have thought he said "Mama" for the first time. One of the things we need to work on with Lucas is his reaching and grabbing-that will help stimulate his arms and get him ready to bear weight on them. This is a good first step:) All that must have tired him out because now he is asleep (still in the car seat) with one hand on the handle. What a cutie!

The Ugly Side of Being a Mom

I reached a new low last night. I asked Marc if he thought he knew everything about being the perfect parent, why didn't he write a book-ouch I know. I was just so frustrated. Things are work are horrendous right now because of a reorganization. I have been stressed trying to get the house ready for my parents' upcoming visit. I am nervous that we haven't been doing Lucas' exercises with him for his Physical Therapy and it will show tomorrow when the PT comes for our appointment. I hate that I am constantly on the go. I hate trying to juggle being a mom, working fulltime, keeping our home somewhat orderly and making dinner each night.

Marc and I just have different ways of handling all of this. I told him that some of the things he says makes me feel like a bad mom and I don't need anyone else to put those feelings in my head-I do a good enough job of that myself.

I just don't think that Marc understands the options we have-if I hold Lucas then Marc will have to make dinner. If Marc holds Lucas, I am not sitting on my butt watching TV; I am making dinner, washing dishes, making Lucas' bottles, doing laundry.

Having said all of that, I do appreciate Marc for all he does:
He gets Lucas dressed, fed and off to day care each day.
He cleans the litter box for me.
He loves Lucas with all his heart and being.
He loves me with all his heart and being.
He allows me to keep Jeff the beast.
He pays our bills.
He makes me laugh.

Jeff and Lucas

Last night Marc was holding Lucas in the kitchen when in saunters Jeff. Well Lucas saw Jeff and shrieked! I kid you not-he was so excited to see the fat black and white cat. His mood changed from being fussy to being in awe of the beast. It was quite funny.We know that Lucas has noticed Jeff lately-he will watch Jeff when he comes into the room, follow him as Jeff moves around.

Jeff has been very good with Lucas. Jeff will always come and smell Lucas, whether that be on the floor mat or in his car seat when we come home. When we do floor time with Lucas, Jeff is normally right there with us. I am hoping that will be motivation for Lucas to roll over. Now if we can just get Jeff to not wake us up at 2am, we will be all set.

Our friends John and Stacy from Columbus are making the trip in this weekend. They have a son, JT who is almost 2 months older than Lucas. I can't wait to see how they interact. Lucas doesn't seem too bothered by other kids-he is around them all day at the Carriage House and he got to see my cousin's baby, Max when we were in Buffalo a few weeks ago. Max was very interested in Lucas. Lucas was more concerned that Max was going to steal his pacifier.

Where does the time go?

When Lucas was first born, everyone told me to enjoy this time with him because before I knew it, he would be a year. I politely smiled and thought, if time is going to go so fast, why does each day seem like an enternity?

Now Lucas is 6 months old and I think, Where has the time gone? How many opportunities did I miss to read to him, to sing to him or just look at him because I was too busy trying to keep our home life together?

Yesterday Marc took care of Lucas for most of the day so I could get some stuff done around the house. As I was getting ready for bed, I realized that I hadn't fed Lucas at all-Marc gave him his bottles and tried to get Lucas to eat bananas (for the first time) and carrots. I missed that time so much-when we could just sit in the living room and I could kiss his head while he drank his formula and then at the end, he would look at me and smile. And here I am back at work today, and the cycle starts all over.

One year ago today . . .

One year ago today we got to see Lucas for the first time. I had my first pregnancy appointment with my doctor the week before and everything looked good. Given our experience the October before, Marc and I were very cautious. But when I got to work March 7, 2007, I just didn't feel right. I really thought we were losing this baby. It was spring break so things were slow. I called the doctor and told her how I was feeling. Without questioning anything, she said that I should come in for an ultrasound. I was trying to hold myself together as I called Marc and asked him to meet me at the hospital.

When we were taken back for the ultrasound, I don't think either one of us was breathing. The tech set everything up and we were soon looking at our beautiful baby, nice and safe inside of me. There was a heartbeat. We were so relieved. We even got a picture of him. It felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. We prayed that everything would go well for the next few weeks. So now we were faced with having to tell Marc's parents and grandmother, a bit earlier than we had wanted. They were thrilled. We asked them to not say anything until we got through the next few weeks and next round of tests. When my parents came down to visit 10 days later, we had the ultrasound picture to show them:)

How Preemie Moms Are Chosen

I found the following passage recently-can't recall where but I like it.

How Preemie Moms Are Chosen (Adapted from Erma Bombeck)

Did you ever wonder how the mothers of premature babies are chosen?

Somehow, I visualize God hovering over Earth, selecting his instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As he observes, he instructs his angels to take notes in a giant ledger.

"Beth Armstrong, son. Patron Saint, Matthew. Marjorie Forrest, daughter. Patron Saint, Celia. Carrie Rutledge, twins. Patron Saint ... give her Gerard. He's used to profanity."

Finally, he passes a name to an angel and smiles. "Give her a preemie."

The angel is curious. "Why this one, God? She's so happy."

"Exactly," smiles God.

"Could I give a premature baby a mother who knows no laughter? That would be cruel."

"But does she have the patience?" asks the angel. "I don't want her to have too much patience, or she'll drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wear off, she'll handle it. I watched her today. She has that sense of self and independence so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I'm going to give her has a world of its own. She has to make it live in her world, and that's not going to be easy."

"But Lord, I don't think she even believes in you." God smiles. "No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect. She has just the right amount of selfishness." The angel gasps, "Selfishness?! Is that a virtue?"

God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she will never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn't know it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take for granted a spoken word. She will never consider a step ordinary. When her child says 'mama' for the first time, she will be witness to a miracle and know it. I will permit her to see clearly the things I see – ignorance, cruelty, prejudice – and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life because she is doing my work as surely as she is here by my side."

"And what about her Patron Saint?" asks the angel, his pen poised in the air.

God smiles. "A mirror will suffice."

Pictures

We have tons of pictures of Lucas. And most of them sit in a photo box on my vanity in our room. I also have them all saved on my computer and they are my screen saver slide show. But do you think I have added any recent ones in the cute photo album I keep in my purse? Nope. I went for my annual exam today and my doctor asked if I had any pictures. I answered, "Well, none that are all that recent." I never assume that people want to see pictures of Lucas so I don't offer. I normally don't ask to see pictures of other people's babies.

It is not as if we are trying to hide him from anyone-we certainly think he is the cutiest of all babies.

Maybe I should go to the other extreme and make shirts with his picture on it and wear it all the time. Or get one of those tote bags that have slots for photos-now that would be great! People would start to ask not to see pictures of him:)

How far we have come in 6 months

Today Lucas is 6 months old-where has the time gone? And the wisdom I could give to the Lynn I was 6 months ago is unbelievable. I think we have settled into our roles but it has not been easy. I know that being a parent isn't easy but I thought it could come more naturally to me than it has. Marc and I are still trying to find a balance in how we deal with things-I guess that will all work itself out in time.

I did have one clear moment recently when I realized that I really do know Lucas. We were getting his 6 month picture taken and the photo staff person had us dress him in a robe. It was his bath shot. He wasn't overly thrilled so I suggested we take the robe off and let him hold it-I knew he would immediately put it in his mouth. And sure enough that is what he did. The picture is really cute-and all I could do is smile.

The Lucas we have today seems like such a different boy than the one we brought home in September and I know that the boy we will have in September when he turns a year will be different from the one we have today. I understand that is human development. He amazes us every day.

Trisomy 18

Since I started blogging, I have come across a number of different blogs but this is one that I keep coming back to: http://fahmer.blogspot.com/. It is about a family living in Kenmore, NY (my hometown) who have a son Jacob who has Trisomy 18. This is a fatal condition-for those of you who had to go through Genetic Counseling like we did, it is one of the things they test for. Babies with this disease have 3 copies of chromosome 18-we normally only have two copies of each chromosome, except for the sex chromosome in boys which is XY-sorry, I really liked genetics in Biology. It is often referred to as being incapable with life. Women who have children diagnosed with this are often encouraged to terminate the pregnancy.

50% of the babies with this condition die in utero. Of those who are born, 90% of them die within the first fews moments, days and weeks of life. There are some cases of children who do survive past childhood, but they have significant physical and mental disabilitities.

After reading about Jacob and other families who have had babies with Trisomy 18, I have come to accept how having a child is truly a miracle. These families are so strong in their faith and so devoted to their unborn child that they carry them to term, knowing and accepting that they might only have a few precious minutes together.

Moving forward

Things did start to get easier. My mom came down twice to help me and my mother in law came over as well. I think that if I didn't have so many linger physical problems, I would have been more willing to venture out with Lucas on my own. We did try to get some good walks in before the weather turned colder. The two of us even went north to Buffalo for my aunt's retirement and 60th birthday. This was a HUGE milestone for me. I wanted to know that I could do this on my own-and I could. I felt such a sense of accomplishment making the trip without Marc.

Before I knew it, it was Thanksgiving and I was headed back to work. Boy, those three months flew by. But I was ready. I felt so isolated-I was so starved for adult contact that I became addicted to The View. I longed for the interaction those women had every day. That first day back to work felt so good. I had hoped that the first day would not have had too many stumbles and it did seem to go smoothly. When people asked if it was hard to go back, I was honest with them and said it wasn't. I needed to be back. As one of my colleagues said in regards to her daughter, we are better mothers to our children because we can go back to work. I could not agree more. We all even made the transition to day care without any major issues. Lucas is so laid back, as long as someone fed and changed him, he didn't care where he was.

I thought that I was finally getting the hang of this mom thing.