The 3rd of every month

On the third of every month I try to relive the night I had Lucas. And it seems as each month passes, I lose more of the details of that experience. I know about 12pm my parents arrived at the hospital, having left Buffalo about 8am. I know I saw them twice-once soon after they got there and again after Lucas was born. But why didn't I invite them to stay with me, at least for a little bit before I started to push? What was happening that was so critical that they not be in the room? I was just laying in bed, trying to come to peace with what was happening.

I know at 5:30pm the nurse told me to do a practice push. But that practice push went on for 156 minutes. I remember begging the doctor at one point to just get the baby out-I was tired and couldn't push anymore-this had beat me and my strength was crumbling to pieces.

I remember at one point having new staff in the room and they liked the classical music we had playing. When the CD stopped, they wanted to know what had happened to the music. HELLO! I am trying to give birth now and that CD we had been listening to for about 2 hours already. Can you worry about me and not the CD?

There are so many details I want to remember to be able to share to some degree with Lucas if he should ever ask, but I can't. I want to recall every second of that experience-doesn't every mom? But I have lots of holes.