Bad Mother thoughts

I finally had a chance to collect my thoughts on Ayelet Waldman's book-Bad Mother. It is a brutually honest reflection on motherhood-on the choices we make, the impact it has on our relationships, how our role and identity can be drastically changed.

Here are just some of the things that really struck a cord with me:

She begins by saying that the book is about the perils and joys of trying to be a decent mother in a world that is intent on making you feel like a bad one. that really struck me because that is exactly what I felt for Lucas' first year. I felt that because I wasn't enjoying every single minute of this experience, I wasn't a good mom. that because I didn't feel suddendly enlightned the moment Lucas was born, I wasn't worthy of being a mom.

Ayelet then goes on to say that moms should tell the truth, even when the truth is difficult. So true!!!! I remember soon after Lucas was born a friend who had become a new mom herself told me very cryptically that there might be times when I felt crazy and would question what I had done but it would be OK. Only now do I realize that she was talking to me in a code that meant everyone struggles with being a new mom. Well then tell me that! I was having a hard enough time trying to figure out what Lucas' different cries meant. I didn't have the patience or brainpower to decode new mom talk.

Aylete finishes up the introduction by saying that one of the darkest, deepest shames so many moms feel today is our fear that we are Bad Moms, that we are failing our children and falling short or our own ideals. If I let myself, I could go into complete hysterics because I let Lucas watch too many movies, that I don't engage with him after we both have had a long day or the other 1000 things that we can fret about. Out comes that bad mom stamp again-and everyone will be able to see, just by looking at Lucas what a bad mom I am.

She talkes about reading Anna Karenina (one of my favorites). At one point, after Anna has left her husband and son to be with her lover, Anna excoriates herself by believing that she is an unnatural mother. A natural mother would never indulge in her own happiness. Rather, a natural mother would understand and accept the relative insignificance her own happiness is. and while most of us wouldn't resort to the actions of Anna (throwing yourself under a train), this fear of being an unnatural mom is very real and familiar. Waldman goes on to say that we are supposed to not only sacrifice ourselves for our children but do so willingly, cheerfully and without ever feeling any seething resentment and when we fail, we feel guilty and ashamed. And she then asks: how do you find consolation in the face of all this failure adn guilt? I don't know how many times I have rushed home after being out on a simple errand because Lucas was left home with Marc. That I feel like I need to apologize if I took longer than I had planned.

Waldman covers a lot of ground-from our obsession with trying to make our children prodegies, leaving her job as a lawyer, terminating a pregnancy due to trisomy and bipolar issues.

It is not all sunshine and rainbows but it does all you to feel better about struggling to be a mom and how to find ways to cherish that role!

Boys and broken bones

Lucas fractured his left clavicle on Tuesday.

At daycare.

Because he wasn't paying attention walking down the stairs and there wasn't a teacher at the midpoint in the stairs (that is a whole other post) and he fell-down three stairs.

Initially the teachers thought he just hit his head so they were looking for signs of a concussion. But they assured me he was acting fine. After a few minutes with an ice pack, he was up riding bikes with his friends.

But when they tried to change his diaper before nap, things changed. He was screaming, pointing to his arm. They called me back but I wasn't in my office. So they called Marc and he left to get him.

so after two different doctor visits and a whole bunch of x-rays, they diagnosed it as a fractured left clavicle. And the recovery? 5 weeks of no jumping, running, bike riding-anything and everything a little boy likes to do. And he has to be in a sling except for when he sleeps. The sling they gave us is too big and the dr told us to angle his arm so it is above his heart. Well, there is no way we can do that with this sling. I was up most of Tuesday night thinking that I was going to do more damage and Lucas would have a deformed collar bone because I wasn't capable enough to put on the sling correctly.

I talked to the nurse practitioner yesterday and she said we were told wrong info-there is no way we could position his arm like that. she said that as long as the arm was at a right angle, and his wrist was across his belly, the collarbone would set correctly. Now we just have to pin the sling to his t shirt to make sure it doesn't slip during the day.

The good news is that most kids are OK after a week or two with the sling! And he has done well the past two days-last night he was even playing and today he is acting more like himself. He also slept through the night.

Little boys and their bones . . .

Great read

I have been reading "Bad Mother: A Chronicle of Maternal Crimes, Minor calamities and Occasional Moments of Grace", by Ayelet Waldman. I saw a review of this book about year ago and have been waiting for it to be availalbe at our library. I hit the jackpot about a week ago. I have dogeared a number of pages that I will reflect on in a later post. It is one of those "real books" on motherhood and relationships. Ayelet bravely tells her story about struggling to be a mom who prefers to work and letting her husband be the stay at home parent.

Happy Two and a half year Birthday Lucas

Dear Lucas,

I can't believe you are two and a half today! Where has the time gone? You continue to amaze me-you have such a good imagination, I love hearing your stories and talking with you about things. I hope you stay that way because it truly is a gift. I love how excited you get over the little things, like the balloons I brought home yesterday, seeing Jeff when we get home and noticing our new St. Patrick's Day flag.

I hope you continue to learn patience and realize that you don't need to get so upset when Mommy and Daddy tell you no. Everything will be OK if you just relax and wait a minute. Please start to eat better-you used to be such a good eater and now Mommy and Daddy are at a loss. Vegetables are good-Mommy eats them all the time! There are so many good things out there to try! Even if Mommy doesn't like to eat it, I will make it for you:)

Pretty soon it will be spring and we can go outside and ride your bike from Bapa and play in the backyard. You will have lots of room to run and play catch with Daddy-i know he is really looking forward to that.

We love you little bug!

Mommy

Life in the toddler lane

I am finding it hard to keep up with everything lately: work, home, daycare, birthdays, new babies arriving, friends, snow, snow and more snow. We were coasting through winter when we got hit with that huge snow storm the second weekend in February. 24 inches in less than 24 hours is a lot of snow for anywhere, especially someplace that doesn't know how to effectively clear snow and has lots and lots of hills. After being stuck in the house for almost a week, I realized I am not meant to be a fulltime stay at home mom, at least not for right now. Lucas feel in love with movies during this time. He is addicted to Cars, Toy Story, Stuart Little and Bob the Builder now. He even knows how to turn on the DVD players-I think this will start to become a problem.

We went home to Buffalo for my youngest nephew's birthday the following weekend. It was funny to drive north and see less and less snow. Who would think you needed to go to Buffalo to escape the snow? My dad a week or so before we visited had developed this odd condition with his eye. The lid essentially closed and he couldn't open it. There were lots of doctor appointments, tests and consultation. Lots things were ruled out but not a lot was seen as the definitive cause or answer. It was a bit disturbing to see my dad so vulerable. And it got me thinking about mortality. We have always been a pretty realist family-people die. It is just the cycle of things. But it really got me thinking about my parents. I know they won't be around forever and I want Lucas to have as much time with them as possible.

And in the midst of all this, I am transitioning to a new job. I am excited for it and it will be a good step for me professionally. A whole new group of people get know all the charms of Lucas:)